Oh, Such Madness...

This has EASILY been the most boring tournament in the history of tournaments to this point. I’m talking all tournaments: Men’s, Women’s, Jeopardy Tournament of Champions, 7 year old girls soccer playoffs - all are more entertaining than the shit taco that is the 2009 Men’s Division Un Basketball Tourney.

This tournament has been so boring and soooo predictable that I in fact was so bored the other day that I actually read a story about how Liverpool drew Chelsea in the Champions League quarters on Saturday… And a hush fills the room.

Yes, I preferred to spend roughly 180 seconds of typically precious March Madness tournament time - time usually reserved kneeling at my custom constructed altar to Greg Gumbel - to read about Soccer’s equivalent of selection Sunday.

In case you were living under a rock for the first weekend of the tourney, well you didn’t miss much.

North Carolina and Uconn showed up and looked like 8th graders playing 4th Graders (Uconn didn’t even need its coach), Pitt and Louisville both had scares, but still advanced. The 2s and 3s all advanced, and only 12th seeded Arizona and 5th seeded Purdue broke chalk - I guess.

You read that right - FIFTH seeded Purdue and Ari-freaking-zona are the closest thing to Cinderella this year’s tourney has to offer.

The 4 upsets that actually did occur were even boring. There were 3 5-12 upsets that that douche bag to the cubicle to your right tells you you have to pick every year (meaning you’ll have to hear that same B-S again next year. Those included PAC-10 underachiever Arizona beating Mountain West Utah, boring Wisconsin beating Florida State, and the one actual exciting game of the first round - Western Kentucky beating Illinois.

The one really huge upset of the tournament? 13th seeded Cleveland State annihilated 4th seeded Wake Forest in a game that was out of hand so quickly that the viewing audience had to sit through boring Horizon League basketball matched up against a Wake Forest team that quit early.

All of this of course comes a year after the first one on one on one on one Final Four in history.

Snooooooooooooooze!!!

However, there is room for optimism.
I can only hope that the high quality of teams remaining at least means that we may only one (or even none) number ones in the Final Four. Really, for the first time in a long time, every number one and number two has a tough Sweet Sixteen and Final Four ahead of them.

There is no Western Kentucky this year, no Southern Illinois, no early 2000s Gonzaga, no Bradley, no Wichita State. None of that.

For the first time in a looooong time no Number One is safe. Even Louisville, the one of ones, the one squad that gets a crack at a twelve seed, will have to deal with a Pac-10 team with Pac-10 talent that was recruited by one of the greatest coaches of all time.

Still, no easy task.

If there is any saving grace to this tournament - any redemption, the number ones will fall this weekend. I’m willing to sacrifice a boring first weekend for a white-knuckle-sweaty-palmed second weekend that is chalk full of upsets (even if they are mild ones).

M-I-Z

Because Mizzou doesn't play until Saturday, and I can enjoy this for a week...



Here's the video replay in case anyone missed the game. You know, in case the lure of Jack Bauer fucking shit up was too much to handle.



Damn, it's nice to hear things like "Mizzou" and "NCAA Tournament" in the same sentence without eliciting laughter.

Missouri Sports Mount Rushmore

ESPN is currently took a poll from the fans about who they thought should be, if it existed, a Mount Rushmore for the sports figures in the state of Missouri. I had some agreements, and some disagreements.

ESPN Results:

1. Lamar Hunt: founded the Chiefs and is considered one of the founding fathers of the NFL.
2. Stan "The Man" Musial: The three-time NL MVP led the Cardinals to three World Series titles before becoming a member of the Baseball Hall of Fame.
3. Jack Buck: The Cardinals announcer for almost 50 years, Buck also called many Super Bowls and World Series.
4. George Brett: Brett played 21 seasons with the Royals and was the 1980 AL MVP. He also won three batting titles and is a member of the Baseball HOF.

My Results:

First and foremost, I am throwing out Jack Buck. I am a huge Jack Buck fan, he is one of the most famous sports broadcasters of all time and is a St. Louis tradition. I am replacing Buck with the best pitcher to ever play for the St. Louis Cardinals, and no not Anthony Reyes.

Im going with Bob Gibson.

2 time Cy Young Winner
2 time World Series Champion
1968 MVP

OK, when a pitcher wins a Cy Young or even multiple Cy Young's, he is considered one of the best pitchers in baseball, but an MVP for a pitcher.....pretty much unheard of in baseball. Career ERA under 3.00, 250+ wins and over 3,000 strikeouts.....not to mention a 1.12 ERA in his MVP season and 2 Rings.

Next, to much ridicule from Chief "fan" out there, I am scratching Lamar Hunt of the list. I'm sorry, I know how big he was in Kansas City, he didn't play and he helped develop the MLS....which is a waste of a lot of our time. Instead, I'm going with a guy who has been the poster boy of Mizzou sports for over 50 years.

Norm Stewart


Stewart, as most of us know was the head basketball coach at Mizzou for 32 seasons.
9 Conference Championships
16 Tournament Appearances
2 Time National Coach of the Year
634 Total Wins (11th All-Time)
And a 1956 All-American
The dude did work!!!

Stan Musial stays!!!! And I dare anybody to argue that point with me, but just in case you needed some reinforcement....

Played 22 Seasons
20 time All-Star
3 time MVP
3 time World Series Champion
Career Batting Avg. of .331
3,630 Hits
475 Home Runs
1,951 RBI's
And if that wasn't enough...

STATUE!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, we get to George Brett. He played 20 seasons with the Kansas City Royals, with a career batting avg. of .305, 3,154 hits and 317 Home Runs. Also, has a World Series and an MVP. But, let's be honest outside of the 4,000 Royals fans still alive, he will be remembered for his infamous pine tar flipout.

Even taking away that incident, he was a very good baseball player. But 240 miles East down I-70, there stands a man.....some might say more than a man, who is on pace to do what only one other hitter has ever done, his name is Tedd Williams.


El Hombre!!!!

2 time MVP(should be 3)
World Series Champion
319 Home Runs(more than Brett)
1,531 Hits
Not to mention one of three players to ever hit over .300, 30+ HR and 100+ RBI's in their first 8 seasons, other players to do that you might have heard of them DiMaggio and Williams. Did I also mentioned he hasn't even played half the seasons Brett did. Taking Albert's averages and if he plays 20 seasons(same as Brett). Albert will end with 3827 hits(about 700 more than Brett), 797 HR(double Brett's but likely Albert won't hit more than 650), and a .334 batting avg.

Not saying the numbers are better NOW!!!! But they will be in 5 years, so let's not delay the inevitable.

Madonna Loves Steroids

What do Alex Rodriguez and Jose Canseco have in common? Well let's see, they both:

1. Play(ed) baseball
2. are sluggers
3. played in the American League
4. bang Madonna

and now 5. took steroids.

I, like most baseball fans (including his own), have never really cared all that much for A-Rod. He has bad tendencies like not showing up in October, talking like a d-bag, tanning in the middle of the busiest fucking city in the world with his shirt off and slapping baseballs out of the glove of Red Sox infielders that all really make you want to just punch him.

Yet at the same time, for as tragically douchey as he is, I've always been able to respect the absolute undeniable talent the guy has, and have looked to him as a bastion of hope to be (along with Albert Pujols) the finite example of clean, unadulterated talent in this generation of baseball.

So much for that.

As was revealed in a forthcoming SI article, A-Rod tested positive for performance enhancing drugs during the preliminary round of survey testing MLB administered during the 2003 season. These tests were intended only to canvas the necessity of performance enhancing drug testing and players who tested positive were not penalized in any way.

In fact, these were never suppossed to be revealed publicly. Technically speaking, it wasn't quite cheating yet. It was illegal, but not cheating - go figure.

This isn't the same kind of smoking gun positive, post-2004 test that exists for Rafael Palmeiro and allegedly for Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds, but a positive test is a positive test whether it was technically cheating or not.

In the court of public opinion, though, it was cheating. Just as it was when McGwire didn't feel like talking about the past.

So now here we are sitting at the dawn of Spring Training 2009, and one of the top 3 hitters of all time (Bonds), one of teh top pitchers of all time (Clemens), two additional members of the 500 home run club (Sosa, McGwire), a member of the 3,000 hit club (Palmeiro) all have serious steroid allegations or hard proof of steroid usage against them.

And now, our generation's hope, the guy we looked to when Bonds passed Hank Aaron and said, "well, yeah, Bonds is a cheater, but at least we have A-Rod to break it someday" about is also a cheater.

We still have plenty examples of guys that have no steroid dirt around them to look to: Manny Ramirez, Pujols, Ryan Howard, Adam Dunn to look to as either hitting legends or potential future home run kings, but the sobering thing is that a week ago A-Rod was on that list, too.

These allegations against A-Rod are the most sickening of the steroid era.

None of us were really all that shocked when it came out McGwire and Sosa were probably on roids, just disappointed. We've known Bonds had been on the cream, the clear and whatever else well before he passed Hank. Clemens' allegations are also sobering, but let's be honest no one feels as connected to or as involved in pitching records as they do hitting.

But A-Rod?

Aside from Jose Canseco claiming he knew A-Rod was using, there was no dirt on him whatsoever. And to be honest, who hasn't Canseco accused of using?

Another baseball mega-star goes down to the plague that is the steroid era. A-Rod will likely hold or come close to holding plenty of career records in a few years including the holiest of all - the career home run record.

Barry Bonds may not be the home run king in a decade, but after hearing this, it's likely the crown will still be soiled by the same stink that Bonds covered it with.

NL Central Preview

OK, with Valentine's Day lurking around the corner, I know what every guy has on his mind.........SPRING TRAINING!!!!!!!!! OK, maybe not what you had in mind, but it might be the only thing Ive had on my mind since the Bears season ended. So for all of you fellow baseball fanatics, I am willing to give you a little preview/prediction of the 6 divisions around the league. Starting with God's gift to us ALL!!! The NL Central, in reverse order....

6. The Pittsburgh Pirates
Honestly, who cares anymore? They are terrible, have been for awhile now and nothing is going to change anytime soon. Little offense and a young rotation who consistently underachieves, and let's be honest.....just not Canadian enough for my taste anymore. Case and point.....THEY SUCK!!!


5. The Cincinatti Reds

A young team who shows some promise for the future, but with a weak pitching staff all around and prospects like Jay Bruce and Joey Votto, and the loss of Adam Dunn, this team still has some ground to make up.

4. The Milwaukee Brewers
Ahhhhh, now that the "Brew Crew's" 15 minutes of fame is up, they will now retake their throne of mediocrity and move back down to below the .500 mark. Although they did resign future PETA asshole and nutrition and fitness extraordinaire, Prince Fielder, the Brewers may have a booming young offense, but no C.C. and no Sheets leaves this rotation/bullpen hurting badly. BTW!!! How is it that Prince Fielder weighed the same as C.C. Sabathia, yet may have been 8 inches shorter......GET OUT OF THE GARDEN BIG MAN!!!!!

Ease up on the ranch and crisco buddy!!!

3. The Houston Astros
This is another team I could see falling below the .500 mark with Milwaukee, but I feel they have a better line up and at least one really good pitcher in Roy Oswalt. This is a stretch for me considering my growing hatred for the Houston Astros, so instead of going into detail about how they can compete....Ill give my big 3 reasons I hate this team so much

1. His Face

2. His overall piece of
shit qualities

3. THIS FAG!!!!!!!

Let me come out right now and say.....I could not hate a human being that I do not know more than Brandon Backe, the only thing he has done for me is piss Albert off enough to hit a ball through Manny's summer house on Neptune. The guy tries to start shit with the Cardinals every time they face them, including last year when he picked a fight with Albert while Albert was on his way to his own clubhouse.....not Houston's. And we can't forget him throwing at Yadi for calling time.........CMON BROSKI!!!!!
Heads up Manny!!!!

ehh it's ok, you still my ese

2. St. Louis Cardinals
Now, don't call me a "homer" on this one, but when a team that finished 86-76 and has improved every part of their line up, rotation and bullpoen you can't disagree that the team will be better in many ways. In fact, the only reason I will not be bold enough to say they have a major chance to take the division yet, is health. When you have as many health concerns as the Cardinals, it's tough to put them even as high as I did. Major question marks around guys like Pujols, Ludwick, Ankiel, Carpenter, Wainwright, Glaus etc. I mean this is your team, that's your 1-2 punch and the heart of your line up. Which is why I will take the same stance as last year somewhere between 95-75 wins.

1. Chicago Cubs
I don't see how the Cubs don't win their 3rd straight divison title, incredibly solid rotation and line up for another season. Key question marks could cause the team to slip slightly, Harden's durability.....who will step up in the bullpen.....can Milton Bradley keep his mouth shut.....will Fukudome mania cause a major distraction (haha)? Things like this, but I feel the Cubs are still deep enough to take the division and still have the team leaders like Derek Lee and Carlos Zambrano to help hoist another division title. But let's be serious, another division title would only be another feather in the cap of a hat the team hasn't worn in over 100 years.....without a world series/pennant/playoff victory this franchise could lose it's spirit for good.

Contract: Hundreds of Millions of Dollars
Plane Ticket: 500 Dollars
Failure.......PLICERESS!!!!

So original it hurts

Really smooth guys. Doesn't everyone love it when sports teams make goofy promotional songs? It's especially great when they rip off a more popular song by the most beloved team in the state in which they reside. The Bradley University basketball team apparently decided that this was waaaaay too good a opportunity to pass up, so they decided to roll out the "MVC Shuffle" based off of, you guessed it, the Chicago Bears "Super Bowl Shuffle."



I'm not sure what the rationale was behind such an awesomely absurd display of awkwardness (you know you love alliteration), but I'm definitely sure the video didn't need to be EIGHT F*&(&@G MINUTES LONG. Let's face it, none of these guys is the next Tupac, or even the next Too Short, but some of these are masterpieces in fine unintentionally funny lyrical delivery.

Take for instance 6-9 forward Will Egolf. It's about the kind of flow you'd expect from a tall, seemingly awkward white guy. But, to be fair, he's handicapped when it comes to rap. The guy's from Juneau-fucking-Alaska. We all know Trajan Langdon couldn't have done better. But at least he won a national title. Then there's freshman guard James Robertson, who isn't even qualified enough to have his own verse, but is apparently qualified enough to earn the title of "douchey white guy wearing a du-rag." Check him out at roughly 5:36 of this little ditty. Also for your amusement is "shirtless white guy with a headband playing maracas," and the guy playing the drums looks less like Neal Peart and more like my dad playing my drum set after downing a 12 pack of Natty Light ("Thank you, Peoria!").

Perhaps the best cameo, though, is by school president Joanne Glasser. She walks up looking something like Joan Jett-meets-(insert Bradley bball player name here), and rocks a verse like you'd expect a 50+ white woman to rock it.

But hey, it worked for the Bears right? They rode their swagger all the way to a 15-1 record and their only Super Bowl ring in 1985. The Braves surely must be tearing things up on the court. Well, not exactly. While still somewhat in contention in the Mo Valley, they're rocking a mediocre 11-8 record. Miami Football take notes. This is not the way to get your swagger back.

Hail to the Chief

I know this isn't a politics blog, but....

FUCK
and
YES



image courtesy of loljocks.blogspot.com