Coming to a Theater Near You

As a life long sports fan, very few sports stories seem to really move me, but it is the select few that will live in my heart forever. Because of the passion I feel for these stories, I feel they should be shared by all as a movie. The first movie I have discovered that will be going into production will be the story of the 2005-06 Chicago Bears....picked by many so called "experts" (Sports Illustrated, ESPN etc.) to finish with the worst record in the NFL. This team fought back against adversity to finish with the second best record in the NFC. Recently Hollywood executives have pushed for a movie to be made of this team, and I got a special sneak peak at the casting list....here it is:

"I swear her tits were like THIS BIG!!!!!"

The role of slow-witted QB Rex Grossman aka Sex Cannon, Rex-tasy etc. will be played by......
Derek Zoolander

Both are known for being dumb and narcisists. But more importantly they are known for having "one look." While Zoolander's is a pose, Grossman's is a receiver.....40 yards down field in triple coverage.

The next role will being filled will be QB Kyle Orton

Behold......The Neck Beard!!!!

The role of Kyle Orton will be played by......
Val Kilmer as The Sherpa

Two Reasons for Kilmer to be casted as Orton.......The Beard......and the weed

The next role is one of great importance, the role of All-Pro linebacker Brian Urlacher


It took alot of thought and consideration until they settled on
Ivan Drago

Both individuals are known for their punishing strength and while Urlacher never killed a guy, his career it is still early in his career. And even if Urlacher never kills anyone he will "break you"

The next character will be the role of rookie/douche bag running back Cedric Benson
I didn't punch, no mutha' fuckin cop!!!!!!!!

Casting this character was like hitting a softball off of a tee, playing Benson will be....
Damien Marley

........ENOUGH SAID

A more under appreciated role will be that of Defensive Coordinator Ron Rivera


Yet again, the executives hit a home run with casting this character, playing Ron Rivera will be...

Jose Canseco

Both of these guys were considered one of the greats at one point in their career and then fell off for awhile and became unheard of. While Canseco made the most noise in the past 10 years in baseball with his book "Juiced," Rivera remains unheard of.....perhaps he could destroy his credibility and life by doing something crazy and stupid as well.....maybe working for this guy?


Hmmmm a little early for a Jack & Coke isn't it Al???

And I digress.....the next character is possibly the most important role, the character of head coach Lovie Smith

Shhhh Lovie is trying to figure out why people pick apart the Tampa 2 so easily, perhaps run a different coverage??? Nahhhhhh

For this character we bring in a not only talent actor but, an even more talented badass
Samuel L. Jackson

Not only has Jackson played the role of a coach before, he is a card carrying member of the official bad ass club......not to mention bald. But the main role of casting Jackson as Lovie Smith is to keep the Bears coach from "looking like a BITCH!!!!!" Jackson was asked about his role as the Bears coach and this is what he had to say "Mutha' fuckas try and cast me as another mutha fuckin coach Ill take the damn role and make all these mutha fuckas and make them my bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jackson plays the role of a coach so well because of his ability to succesfully carry on a normal conversation while screaming.

The final and most versatile role will be the character of Bears All-Pro kicker Robbie "Solid as" Gould

Kicking is fun!!! HEHE

Because this role would be so difficult to play, we had to go into our biology lab and create our own character using the most advanced DNA technology, after months in the lab we were able to produce an actor perfect enough to play this role. Playing the role of Robbie Gould is.....

The Love Child of these two guys

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?????????

and I will end on that note......coming soon, The Rick Ankiel movie